muddled.

I am in the middle of doing laundry with Mr. Perfect. He brought me a brownie. Granted it was from his flight back to school (which indeed was upgraded to first class), but he knows I love brownies, and it was a sweet thought. I told him it was disgusting and we resumed our fake-fighting over everything thing. I think we should just get married. He likes to tease me about not having any guys in my life (like I would tell him), but I think he just likes baiting the hook. Today he told me that I couldn't find someone better than him. He said it as a joke, but I think he thinks it's true. The sad thing is, it probably is, but what's even sadder is that I will probably wind up settling for less. I can't even tell where "we" are anymore. He is very open that last year he persued me, but then this year he calls me drunk and has kissed me twice. So what do I think? I think I should stop kissing him back (though isn't fair that it's completely my responsibility, since I have also been drunk when these kissing episodes have occured), and figure out how he feels before I just make things even more complicated and confused.

I don't know what I think about Chuck. I know what I would think if he where here, but he's not. So instead I like the thought of him. I think that's the only reason I'm into him at all. It's a dead end. It can't go anywhere, and he is good to talk to. I think he likes having really personal relationships with everyone though. I don't think I should feel special or doted on just because he calls or texts. I think he likes the reciprocity of attention, which I appreciate too. It's nice to have someone to share things with that won't judge you. I don't know how many other people he's sharing things with, but I like the fact that he's three thousand miles away and has no way of throwing things back in my face.

As for Nik, I am kind of excited for him to come back because I want to see where things stand. I mean, I really like him, but I don't know. Things have moved so slowly and I have no idea what he thinks or feels about anything. I don't even know if he thinks there is something to be thinking about. It's annoying. I hate talking to him when other people are around - at least other people who know about the thing that I've been thinking about (confused yet?) - because they always give me false hope. Like Court the other day, who said that he was staring at me the whole time we were talking before dinner. The dinner, before that fateful text message. Or Kit who claims that at the dinner conversation between her, Nik, the Ex, and myself, he wasn't really talking to anyone else, and then she went on to point out that he did stay after until she and the Ex left just to talk to me. UGH. So much for carpe diem.

I just need this weekend to come so that I can make out with SOMEONE and get all of this other stuff out of my system.