this took a turn

I had turned my ringer off. He did text me back.

"You there now? I'm constructing the insturment"

Phew. I was getting a little worried, which makes me think that I might actually like Nik. I'm hesitant to say that I actually like him after a long conversation with Beatrice last night. She pointed out that I might just like the idea of him. Yes, I've thought he was cute since I met him. Yes I've liked him as a friend and had one of those "I wish I knew you better" type crushes on him. But, no, I never actually considered hooking up with him. Or "dating" him.

I actually really liked his roommate (whom we'll call "Austin") for a lot of last year, and I definitely was closer friends with Austin up until this year. One day last spring Austin and I went to a park in the city and ate Italian pastries and laughed about pigeons and people for hours. It was hot. I actually thought there might have been something there, but that fizzled out pretty quickly. Nothing ever happened after that, we just stayed friends, which was definitely for the best.

Anyway, back to Nik. Bea pointed out that I might just like the fact that he was so cute and charming and niave. She also pointed out that I might not like those things for very long. He's not planning on putting out for anyone anytime soon, which sounds ideal for a virgin like me, but even then I don't think we would see eye-to-eye moralistically. I wouldn't want to have to be the aggressor either, which brings us back to the question of dominating versus domination. I like it when a guy knows how to lead the way, but then again, I also liked the innocent tension of last night. I feel like I missed out on that since I never had a boyfriend or really "dated" anyone.

The last time I had any build-up before a hook up was last semester with Eric. And Jesus Christos, did I regret that. He was such a good friend and I liked him, but never in a way that I wanted to act on it. I liked that he would come over before meals and invite me to his room to watch the Soparnos. Hooking up pretty much killed all of that. After that one night, he just kind of got colder. I mean we're clearly still friends and we were still friends then, but all of a sudden he wouldn't call me without calling Courtney first. He wouldn't have me over alone. Unless he was drunk. Then he would go back to doing the touchy-feely thing, but it never lead to anything.

Then he broke my face. That killed my erection completely. He was giving me a piggyback ride after we had consumed a box, yes a box, of cheap rose wine (do they make "classy" rose wine?). I had to get eight stitches in my face. He was really sweet for that entire night though, I'll give him that. He held my hand the whole time and sat with me on the steps of the library while I cried for a couple of hours. Then we went with me to CVS to pick out cute band-aids to cover up the stitches with. A week later, school was out for the summer and I didn't see him again until this fall. Last night was the first night I think I've ever really gotten mad at Eric. Even when we (it was both of our faults) broke my chin I realized that the blame was shared. We were both drunk and I should not have gotten on his back. He should not have offered me a piggy back ride and it was a complete accident that he tripped. In terms of things cooling down after we hooked up, I realized it was probably for the best. It would have really screwed things up between me and him, him and Courtney, and most importantly me and Courtney. As they say, it takes two to tango.

Last night when Eric threatened to beat up Nik and told me not to go anywhere with him, I just attributed it to him being drunk and protective. Then when he started doing the hugging and being super physical, I got kind of mad. I mean I was furious when he actually hit me, but I realized that he was drunk and trying to joke around like we do when we drink - he thinks it's funny to try and get me to him him... long weird story. Anyway, it was more the trying to throw me into his bed, and stroking my hair, and pulling me onto his lap that made me MAD. I was drunk at the time, but even in retrospect it's not fair that he gets drunk and starts acting like an overbearing boyfriend. ESPECIALLY in front of Nik. Eric hasn't even been very warm at all since the Architecture in Helsinki show, which was the last time he was really sweet and doting when he was drunk. We were at the show and he picked me up to make sure that I could see the band play all of my favorite songs.

It sucks that I liked him for so long and I was fine with just being friends, and now that I don't like him he acts like an asshole. When Courtney called him and told him what had happened last night (at least as much as she had heard from me, which was pretty much "Eric hit me"), he didn't call to apologize. All he said to her was, "I think I need to work on some of my anger issues."

Now I've gone and worked myself up. Blah. This post started out so happy and cute and it got really angry, really quickly. I do feel less mad at Eric about last night though.