verbal vomit

Okay, I think I can officially diagnose myself with social Tourette's syndrome. I don't want to be too "un-PC" here, but I seriously cannot control what comes out of my mouth around Nik. At least I finally started to be able to actually speak around him. This is an improvement. The quality of what I say, however, could still use some work.

Before I get ahead of myself, I should give some context to my proclamation of social ineptitude. I went to dinner with a friend and after sitting for awhile, guess who walks in? Yup, Nik. Guess who he is with? Yup, the Ex. At first I was a little off put by this sighting, and it provoked a pretty mouthy reaction. Obviously the most terrible scenerio came to first, which is that they are still hooking up (if Catholics do that), or even worse, that they had resumed dating. They sat in a seculded table in near the entrance of the dining hall that was just out of sight of me and my friend. We resumed focus on our own conversation after a few minutes of talking about Nik and his Ex, whom my friend happened to know from random pre-college get together, but I continued to silently wish that the Ex would spill something or drop her tray.

As much as I was unhappy about the Ex presence in *my* dining hall, she did ultimately make my night. As she walked by to put her tray away, I waved and then in a move completely out of character, I invited her over to join our conversation. She took a seat and I asked her opinion on the matter being discussed (one-sided friendships), and I sucked her into our bubble. Maybe subconsciously I knew the logical chain of events would include Nik coming over, but lets just pretend I was being friendly.

If you didn't catch that, Nik came over to the table. Then the Ex left. Then the friend left. Then it was Nik and I. We sat down and talked for a long time, mostly about professors, a little about his roommates, and then about some other stuff. The details are a little fuzzy because I was trying really hard to make eating barbaque tofu look cute. Or at least not disgusting. Anyway, he was funny and interesting, and I was amused. I hope he was too - despite the overwhelming smell of the barbaque tofu.

They started wiping down the tables, the table we were at in particular, and that was our cue to leave. He didn't have his swipe, and my new one was just activated (my, how the tables have turned), so we walked through the basement tunnel to get to our respective entryways together.

We then proceeded to talk for another half an hour on the stairs of the basement, and the entire time I kept saying things that I immediately regretted saying. I mean, I didn't insult his mother or anything like that, but I would just start babbling uncontrollably, which is a clear indicator of my inability to handle any sort of even potential emotional attachment. He just looked so cute and I thought if I stopped talking that I might do something I regretted. Like kiss him. That was the thought that kept running through my mind while standing there, and anytime I shut my mouth I had the urge to just plant one on him. So, I just kept on talking. It wasn't a completely one-sided conversation or anything, but to be totally honest, I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, it was a huge distraction from staring dreamily into his eyes. Okay, maybe staring dreamily into his eyes isn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, but it sounded a lot better than "mentally undressing him" or "visually molesting him."

There was one point where neither of us were talking and it just about killed me. Why didn't I just stick my tongue into his mouth while I had the chance? It was quite, no one was around, we were just standing there looking at each other, I was so tempted, but instead it was just another round of verbal vomit. I must have talked about everything that has happened to me in the last month while we were standing there. I didn't even manage to carry out my movie plan. I didn't ask him about what movies he likes, I didn't invite him to watch one. No, instead I talked about Latin, tea, and my affinity for exploring dirty old basements. Seriously, that is what I talked about.

My mouth is completely and utterly useless sometimes.