One girl. One college. Three thousand guys. This blog is a blow-by-blow [yes, that was a dirty pun] account of the social (and usually sexual) misadventures of a commitment-phobic and ironically promiscuous virgin.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Emotional Ambiguity

I haven't posted anything about Chuck recently, but only because I've been so confused. We haven't stopped talking. We haven't stopped texting. We haven't stopped writing.

He took a roadtrip two days before I left for New Year's, and then I was gone for two days. By the time I was heading back, we hadn't spoken in almost four days and he sent me a text that just said: "i miss you." How do you miss someone you don't see? I hate to admit it, but I missed talking to him too, but I have no idea if it were for the same reasons.

Conversations have become more intense. More revealing. More trusting. We both realized how different it would be if he were here. He would have just been another Friday night story -- only interesting until Saturday morning.

He has become one of my closest friends in a very short period of time. Even though he's 3000 miles away, I talk to him more than I talk to people I live two rooms away from.

As I was writing this post, Chuck called. After a lengthy conversation, I had to then respond to an earlier email.

It's too much for me.

I think I need to distance myself. Not just for me. I just don't know if I am a worthwhile use of his time and engery, when he needs to focus on getting himself together. It sounds selfish, but I don't want to become a source of stability for him. I want to be supportive of him, but being so far away and involved in so many other things (and people), I am not sure it would be good for him to make emotional investment in me.

Sometimes he says beautiful things. I wish he were here, but I don't at all.

Can you get attached to some one you can't touch?

We have grown close over the the distance, we had only just met a few days before he left. I just need to know wheather or not we have the same understanding of our relationship. It's good from a distance, it can't become something romantic because there's no physical aspect to it (or than that first night), and it's just a friendship.



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