Oh so lonely Saturday.

There is no one around (literally), and I am not at school. So basically I am bumming around on a Saturday night. I've been so exhausted for the last couple of weeks I haven't really done much in the way of going out, but that doesn't mean much hasn't happened.

The Artist offered to teach me how to drive. I am definitely not cute enough for anyone to risk letting me behind the wheel. Oh well, I warned him. Especially once he mentioned that he drove a stick-shift. Ha, this should be fun.

We talked forever and a half last night, which was great, and I am really digging him, but I don't know. I don't know. Too far. Too much to think about.

I love Chuck. He is the best friend a girl (or guy) could ask for.

I told Mr. Perfect that I liked him.

I lied to Mr. Perfect.

I am an asshole.

My Eastern European is an asshole.

I was an asshole because my Eastern European was an asshole.

More elboration later. Regular posting to commence once I'm back on campus and things are in full swing.

I'm over it.

Nik was cute for awhile, but you know what? I'm over it. The waiting around, the little things, the Ex. I am just done, absolutely done. I mean seriously, it would be one thing if it were just waiting around, but this is ridiculous, waiting around while he goes on vacation with the Ex. Screw that.

I've got a date with Billy this Saturday. A concert from the looks of it. As cool as he seems, I'm not sure I want to spend my last Saturday night of January with one guy. I mean, if there's a party, then I don't know that I want to miss it.

The twenty-eight year old has yet to return from his homeland.

Chuck is too much. Much too much.

The Artist I'm still debating about. I mean if he were here it wouldn't be a problem, but he's so far away to date in the "just getting to know you phase." Oh well, we'll see. I might go down, I thought that I might this week, but my schedule was a little more hectic than I thought it would be. But he's so adorable.

Blah. That's how I'm feeling. Just blah about everything. So much work, so little time. I'm sick of Nik, but I wish I wasn't.

Maybe I just need a break from everything and every one.

Probably.

No energy.

I was supposed to go out this weekend, but I was too tired.

Geez. What a waste of a weekend. Next weekend I'm going to have to make up for lost time.

:o/

My head is such a mess right now.

Growing up too fast.

Can I handle an actual "date" situation with any sort of potential?


Probably not. I'm not sure I'm ready for "adult" relationships, since I haven't even had a teenage one.

Fuck.

I cannot go on a date with the Artist. I cannot go on a date with the 28 year-old.


I'm in college. I am not even old enough to drink legally. I don't have a job, or a house, or any long term projections of my life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for spring break.

Hell, I'm still a virgin.

That being said, I'm going to give the Artist a call tomorrow.

Two Too Selfish.

I hooked up with Italia last night. Unfortunately it turns out we were both only after one thing. A good hookup is hard to find, so I thought I was lucking out with a little commitment-free fun. My plan was to get off, one way or another, and then go to sleep. I wasn't really interested in what his plans were.

Too bad they were the same as mine. It was funny because we both told each other in a very straight forward manner. In the end, we both begrudgingly help each other out, but it ended with him finishing himself off by hand, as I fell asleep.

Yeah, awkward.

What little attention I did get was good, which only made me more frustrated. The one nice thing was that it was kind of positioned as something that could be mutually beneficial in the future (so long as we both actually held up our end of the bargin).

It would be nice to have a booty call just a text message away. Hmmmm.

He seems like he wouldn't tell anyone, which is what I was really worried about after the first time we hooked up.

Sigh.

The artist called. I need to call him back. We might be seeing each other, either here or in New York. I'm calling in a little bit to work out when and if anything is going to happen soon. That's a pretty big investment...

I love bad decisions

"I can resist everything, but temptation."

--Oscar Wilde


It's true, I can resist everything, but temptation. I should finish the twenty page paper I'm working on that's due on Tuesday. Or maybe start other twenty page paper due on Thursday. Maybe the ten page paper due on Friday.

Nope.

There's a party that might be pretty good tonight. I can't say no.

Unfortunately, the club hosting it isn't one of my favorites, but since it's the first weekend back I'm hoping that it will be pretty good.


I am an idiot. I am also okay with that.

If I get a drunk I am probably going to wind up calling Italia. I don't know if that's a bad thing, I haven't decided quite yet...

Keeping it light...

I totally forgot to mention that I had lunch with Nik yesterday! It was the cutest thing in the world, he stopped by the cafe to eat lunch with me!

Ahhh!!!!

Oh! Italia keeps inviting me to study with him, and it's just kind of fun. Last night he went out and he texted me when he was drunk and asked me to come over.

I really want to hook up with Italia.

I really like Nik.

I really want to hang out with Billy.

I really am just giddy all over.


I really, really, want to hook up with Italia.

Emotional Ambiguity

I haven't posted anything about Chuck recently, but only because I've been so confused. We haven't stopped talking. We haven't stopped texting. We haven't stopped writing.

He took a roadtrip two days before I left for New Year's, and then I was gone for two days. By the time I was heading back, we hadn't spoken in almost four days and he sent me a text that just said: "i miss you." How do you miss someone you don't see? I hate to admit it, but I missed talking to him too, but I have no idea if it were for the same reasons.

Conversations have become more intense. More revealing. More trusting. We both realized how different it would be if he were here. He would have just been another Friday night story -- only interesting until Saturday morning.

He has become one of my closest friends in a very short period of time. Even though he's 3000 miles away, I talk to him more than I talk to people I live two rooms away from.
-----

As I was writing this post, Chuck called. After a lengthy conversation, I had to then respond to an earlier email.

It's too much for me.

I think I need to distance myself. Not just for me. I just don't know if I am a worthwhile use of his time and engery, when he needs to focus on getting himself together. It sounds selfish, but I don't want to become a source of stability for him. I want to be supportive of him, but being so far away and involved in so many other things (and people), I am not sure it would be good for him to make emotional investment in me.

Sometimes he says beautiful things. I wish he were here, but I don't at all.

Can you get attached to some one you can't touch?

We have grown close over the the distance, we had only just met a few days before he left. I just need to know wheather or not we have the same understanding of our relationship. It's good from a distance, it can't become something romantic because there's no physical aspect to it (or than that first night), and it's just a friendship.

Right?

Where do all of my hours go?

In the last two nights I have slept a total of six hours. Not because I've been out late or doing something fun, but because I have been stuck working on the sixty pages of papers I have to hand in within the next week and a half. Of those sixty pages, I have written... one and a half. Only fifty-eight more to go!

Now to continue my recapitulation of recent events in my ever evolving relationships (you've got to love alliteration like that).

After our missed coffee date before winter break, the 28 year-old from the coffee shop decided to "compenstate." This was the email he sent me right the day after classes ended:

"Im very sorry I couldnt c u this week, but i'll be back at the end of
january, and we should definetely (and finally) get together... though at this
point it looks like we should aim at dinner to compensate the delay.. which I
would be very much delighted with"

I said yes, but I don't know. The more I think about it, the less I think it will work. I mean, what would I talk to him about, how much it sucks that I'm not old enough to buy my own drinks? Yeah, awkward. I guess this is my freak out reaction. Instead of seeing where things could possibly go, I just want to end it before it starts. I don't want to be disappointed, I'd much rather be happy with the way things are.

New Year's was a blast. I was in New York at a party full of artists. Male artists. Drool. I hooked up with a painter (if you guessed that his nickname is "the Painter," you were right), and it was actually kind of... cute. We just made out and [don't hold this against me] cuddled [shudder]. We talked over the phone the next day for about forty-five minutes, and it was kind of nice. That's all I can describe it as: nice. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, it was just good. He's too far away to pursue anything with, but I almost wish he wasn't. He is absolutely adorable, talented, and a good person (he volunteers with a creative writing program for low-income students in NY). The Painter graduated from a liberal arts college in '06, so he's just old enough to be "older," but not old enough to have babysat me (like the twenty-eight year-old). I was in la-la land while we were in his bed, but once I got back to school that bubble burst pretty quickly.

Aside from the Painter, another character has resurfaced in my life. I've dubbed him "Billy" for his hillbilly roots, and I couldn't be more pleased with our recent correspondence. I'm not even sure how we began talking again, I met him through Toby, and we talked for awhile before it just kind of fizzled out. Busy schedules. He goes to school nearby, and has a hell of an interesting life. I don't want to give out too many details about him because he's pretty distinctive, but I will promise that the events last two years of his life could be inpiration for episodes of "Grey's Anatomy," "The Great Race," and "Days of Our Lives." Drama, hilarity, and just plain insanity.

We have tentitive plans to go see a movie and maybe grab dinner. I haven't mentioned it to Toby yet, but I'm sure she won't mind. At least I don't think so. I know she's wanted him to visit for awhile, but if she had really wanted to see him she probably would have made more of an effort. I don't know why I haven't told her that me and Billy have started speaking again, for some reason it seems like an awkward thing to bring up. Then again, what if she suggested to him that we get in-touch? I don't know.

After my four hours of sleep last night (well, four hours of lying in bed pretending to be asleep at least), I have to start getting ready for my day. Oh, and I forgot to mention Italia. He's just going to have to wait, the shower is calling my name.

So much to say, so much to say.

Well I since I was home for break I decided to take a little hiatus from blogging. In part due to the fact that I was spending a lot of time away from the computer, visiting friends and such, but mostly because when I'm home I'm just lazy. Sheer laziness.

Anyway, since it's been awhile a little recap is way overdue. To whet your appetite, I have been asked on a date, asked to travel to a foreign country, met someone entirely new, made out with person who is entirely new, had great falafel (yes, that belongs on the list), been the belle of the ball, was an idiot, learned my lesson, had my first orgasm of the new year, oh and did I mention the falafel?

So the house formal (Thursday night) was pretty amazing, I looked cute in my strapless mini-dress, I was feeling good, and excited to see Nik. Even though we never made plans to go together, he assured me that he was attending. The big problem was that I was slightly drunk by the time he got there. He had a late class, so he wound up showing up in the clothes he had worn to class - a little under-dressed, to say the least - but he came anyway. It was really cute when he came, he tried to strike up conversation with me, and being the genius that I am I ignored him. I was so paranoid about coming off as "too drunk," so I decided it was best if I just avoided him. Unfortunately, being drunk, I didn't pull it off as smoothly as I would have liked. Instead of saying "excuse me one moment," or something even reasonably intelligent, I walked away while he was in midsentence. I was proud of my plan too, until Taylor told me that I was nuts, and looked totally rude. I realized that later on my own anyway, I was just hoping that no one else had noticed.

The formal the next night was a little less eventful, but afterward I headed to a bigger party that was pretty fun. I didn't hook up with any one, or even consider it, since the party was at the gentlemen's clubs I was going for cocktails at the next night. I didn't want to come off as trampy before I actually had be a demure and docile date. After that party we headed to another club for a party, that I got groped at and left really angrily. This guy was following me around and then when he went to dance with me he blatanly felt me up, and I ran away, found Taylor and left. It was possible that it was less intentional than I thought it was, but honestly I don't care, he should have watched his hands. Either way, it was gross, he was gross, and I'm glad I didn't stick around.

Saturday night was the cocktail party, and I wore a pretty dress and felt like a princess. I was in such a good mood, and I went to bed floating on air. I went with Martin, who is absolutely amazing. I only got to see my Eastern European for a minute, and I thought that he was kind of cold. He was with this girl who apparently "fucked" him (to quote him), and that he thinks is really hot. He kept asking me what I thought of her over the next week, and I never actually told him that I thought she looked like of like a transexual with a bad wig. I guess she was okay. It felt like he was trying to throw her in my face or something, like I would get jealous or something, but he also kept telling me how he would never date her, and that he isn't looking for a relationship with anyone, let alone her. He was also having sex with girls in Europe over Christmas break, which he told me about, so I'm not really sure why he wanted me to be jealous of his Tranny-date.

Anyway, I'll save some more interesting things for tomorrow, but I'll end on this:
Nik's Ex invited me along on their trip to Iceland. How weird is that? We had a class together, but we're definitely not good friends. DEFINITELY not close enough for international traveling. In fact, the only times we've spoken this year have been randomly through Nik. Seriously, strange. This was tonight, after she invited me (completely randomly) to have dinner with her. We went from saying "hi" in passing, to making vacation plans together in about five minutes. She invited me randomly via facebook, I decided to go, since I was curious as to why she invited me in the first place. She was there with a bunch of people, we ate, we talked, and boom. I don't think she expected me to say yes (of course I didn't), and she asserted that Nik is her BEST friend here, so I'm not sure what she was getting at.

What are people getting at these days?

Oh, and in case you were wondering, my New Year's resolution is to make the best of life, no matter what my circumstances. I don't want to look back and regret anything ;o)