What's going on?

So the situation for the formal has gotten a little confusing. Taylor doesn't know if she's going "with" Austin, the whole "group" idea has kind of fallen apart, no one knows what the Model is doing, but we're all kind of hoping he's not coming alongl. I think I am going to give my extra ticket to a friend, especially since Taylor (Austin by proxy), and Nik will arriving be a half an hour to an hour late.

I need to find someone to pick me up some vodka, and I need to make sure that Nik is at least as tipsy as I plan on being. I'm not going to get trashed, I've got a long weekend. Two formals, the one tomorrow and then another Friday, another party on Friday, and then a date dinner at my favorite gentleman's club on Saturday.


At least I'll finally get to wear all of the dresses I've been buying. I'll have to be really good at the dinner on Saturday, I don't want anyone bringing up what happened the other weekend... that could just be embrassing. I'm going with Martin, who is pretty much one of my favorite people on campus these days. I know the dinner will be fun, I really just don't need anyone knowing about things that might have happened with certain members.

If everything going half as well as I hope it will tomorrow, I should have something exciting to post...

Nope.

Okay, so I was going to ask Nik to the formal, but I have decided against that. Instead I'm going to go in a group with Taylor, Austin, and a guy I have affectionately dubbed, "The Model." I'm guessing since it's turned into a group situation that Nik will just come along with Austin.

The Model and I aren't exactly "friends," but we talk when we run into each other, and he seems pretty harmless. He's extremely handsome, but for some reason I am just not attracted to him. Despite having the best bone structure I've ever seen in my life, clear blue eyes, and a mop of dark hair, he for some reason just doesn't do it for me. He's a transfer student and has only been here for a year, but it seems like a lot of people think he's kind of a jerk. He's definitely a little vain, but I wouldn't call him a jerk.

Anyway, the formal is the day after tomorrow, and then I have another one on Friday. I'm pretty excited for Thursday, and hopefully I'll finally figure out if I want to wait for Nik, or if I should just move on. I think I got really frustrated with him and that's why I wound up kissing more than a few boys on that fateful night.

Oh, and speaking of that fateful night, I saw the Grizzly in the dining hall last night. I was so exhausted and probably loked like I had just been hit by a truck. Always faithful to the naked rule, I pretended I didn't see him. I don't feel awkward around him or anything, that's not the issue, I just didn't want someone who has seen me naked, see me look like Whitney Houston after a crack binge.

I'm in the class that Italia is in, and he's not here for like the second week straight. I kind of miss him. And my shoes.

whoops

I just locked myself outside of my room wearing nothing but a pair of underpants. Seriously, I was publicly flashing full frontal nudity. Thank God, no one walked by in the five minutes I was standing in the hallway pounding on my door, while my roommate was in the shower.

That was more than a little embarrassing.


In other news, Austin has a friend from his homeland visiting and won't be attending the study break tonight.
Add that to the fact that I have a midterm tomorrow morning and it suddenly feels like nothing is going my way tonight.


Sigh.

partner in crime

I have discovered a fabulous new partner in crime. Taylor is a good friend of one of my best friends, Tobi. Taylor is another Ivy League virgin, and we just recently discovered that we are practically the same person.

We just hatched plan "Winter Formal," which will commence later tonight. Basically, we're hoping to go to the formal as a "group," she with Austin and me with Nik. I explained to her the entire Nik situation, and she agrees that he is frustratingly slow and ambiguous, and that his Ex situation is a little suspicious - especially now that it's been confirmed that they are planning a trip to Iceland together... who plans a platonic trip to Iceland with their ex-girlfriend?

So the plan is tonight when there's a house study break, we're going to ask Austin if he wants to come with us as a group. Then he'll bring Nik. Then we'll get them drunk and have our way with them. Genius, pure genius.

Now I don't have to ask Nik, and I get to wear my new dress. Life is wonderful.

Public Opinion Poll

What's the least awkward way to tell someone that you're a virgin?


Discuss.

Post-Kiss Paranoia

So after the kiss with me EE last week, I was hoping things were back to normal.

In the last two days I feel like we've talked less, and that he's been less prone to initiating conversations. I know that he has a lot to do and everything, but I still can't help but feel like he found out about one of the other guys from last weekend, or that he's just weirded out or something.

I don't know, I just had a conversation with him and it felt so flat. I hate that. I wish we hadn't kissed.


But I also kind of wish we could kiss again.


Why am I so confused?

I also might be hanging out with Cheek in a little while. I figured I just go along with whatever is going on with him, so once he's done with his community service group, we might watch a little more TV.

Blah.

A clever ploy?

So yesterday I watched some TV with one of Nik's extended roommates. They live one floor down from each other and are really close friends. At first this seemed innocent enough, the invitation itself was sparked by a dinner time conversation that I didn't realize would turn into actual time spent hanging out.

Anyway, Nik's roommate, whom we'll call "Cheeks" because he has these adorable cheeks, called me on Friday and asked if I wanted to come over. I was working at the cafe and he stopped by to wait until my shift was over. Once it was done, we headed back to his room and as soon as we got there he called Nik. He called him two or three times and then he finally got frustrated and said "what the fuck is he doing?" as if he was expecting Nik to be around waiting for him. While he was calling Nik, Cheek's also mentioned that he "might have to leave early," but we could hang out there until he got back - which pretty much was a dead give away.

We settled onto the couch and started watching, and I asked for a blanket - on cold days, I love watching TV when I'm all curled up and warpped in a blanket. I stretched out a little bit and kind of tossed my legs over Cheeks. This wouldn't have been so weird, but a few minutes later I realized that he was stroking my leg. Not in an overtly sketchy way - his hand remained above the blanke - but definitely in an "I'm obviously stroking your leg" kind of way, that made me wonder if he was doing it just because of the way we were sitting or because he wanted to stroke my leg.

I didn't have to wait too long to figure it out, because eventually he did put his hand under the blanket and was then stroking my leg in an "I am definitely stroking your leg and you're either going to let me or punch me, but I'm willing to take my chances" kind of way.

I didn't stop him, but I probably should have.

I'm not sure if he invited me over so that I could hang out with Nik, especially since Austin said that I should hang out with their friends more in order to hang out with Nik and take things "slowly." I don't know if Nik's other friends have since gotten in on some sort of clever ploy to get us to hang out, which was my first thought when Cheek's called him as soon as we got to the room (and no, he didn't bother trying to call any of our other mutual friends), or if he wanted to hang out, or if he wanted to hang out and [*shudder*] cuddle.

There were a few mixed messages sent yesterday. I'm still trying to figure them out. Only I'm worried that the leg stroking might be passed on to Nik, whether it was a plan to get us to hang out or not. I don't know, I don't know.

And then hanging out with Mr. Perfect later that night was just baffling. It's nice to just hang out with him, but I don't know what it means or what message it sends when I do hang out with him. We hung out for abour four hours, just watching TV and stuff, lying in his bed and on their couch. He's made his friends play nice with me, and I'm kind of surprised they actually listened.

I just want Nik to ask me to the formal (Yes, I did buy a new dress today. Yes, yes it does look good, and obviously I want Nik to see it). The formal less than a week away and my window of opportunity is getting smaller and smaller.

Shudder...

I just got out of a kind-of-cuddle session with Mr. Perfect. He listened to me rant and we watched DVDs all night. Saddly, this was one of the most satisfying Friday nights I have had in a long time.


I think I need a drink.

Still haven't...

Asked Nik to the formal. I don't think I am going to do it either, I am way too nervous about it - no matter how much Austin tries to assure me that it's a good idea.

I got into a "fight" with Mr. Perfect. He was complaining about the "disconnect" in our "friendship." I don't know what it is, I just freak out at the thought of alone time with him. In my head I think it's a good idea, but then when he puts an arm around me, or starts stroking my hair, I just freak out. So I avoid it at all costs. But I happen to love him as a friend, so I keep saying that we should hang out more. I don't know, it's not just me though, it's him too.

I talked to Chuck and talked to his little brother on the phone. It was cute and made me smile.

Life is going so well, even though it doesn't seem to be going at all. I'm just content.

Maybe this weekend will be good... I don't even know what that means anymore. I don't know if I want to just hook up with someone. I don't know if I just want to sit around watching a movie. I don't know, I don't know.

Okay, I do kind of just want to hook up with someone, but definitely not like last weekend. Four guys, one night, that's a record I am not looking to break anytime soon. But maybe a "date," or something like it would be nice? I don't want to cuddle or anything, I'm not turning into a sappy estrogen filled teddybear, but I would like to see one of these things turn into something. Or at least a little something more than they've been in the past.

Considerations

I need a relationship. Not I do not "want," I actually *need* a relationship. Why? Because I'm going on twenty and I would love to have sex, but unfortunately I do not want have sex with someone random that I do trust, care about, blah, blah, blah, et cetera.

I think that there needs to be some foundation of trust, and the assumption that sex is a mutual responsibility. Too many things can go wrong, too many things can happen, too many attachment issues that I really just don't want to deal with. In other words, I want to make sure that whoever the lucky fella is really actually cares about me.

Why the sudden consideration? Maybe it's because I'm a half way to forty-year old virgin. Maybe it's because it's getting harder to stop myself when I'm in bed with a guy. Maybe it's just because.

Don't get any crazy ideas, I have no plans on just going out and having sex with someone. I am making considerations though. What is it that I am looking for in a guy? In a "relationship?" Is it even feasible to date someone older, say by about ten years, if I'm a virgin? Clearly expectations will be different.

This past weekend I realized as I had an attractive male on top of me, that I really did physically want to have sex with him. Luckily he went down like a champ, otherwise I would have left the next morning feel pretty unsatisfied. I had no problem saying no to him, it was me I had to control.

Schedules.

According to my schedule and my five thousand commitments per week, I am a very busy person. Lucky for me, I don't mind skipping a few things every now and then.

Today I have skipped two classes, a section, and tutoring. This week I have skipped five classes, a section, and other assorted things, yet for some reason I've still be really busy. Maybe I need to work on getting a good schedule down, but I actually kind of like the way things are going. I don't generally flake out on things that I volunteer to do, but today I'm actually starting to feel sick and I have a temperature so I figured it would be better not to work with kids this afternoon.

Classes are an entirely different thing. I only go if I feel like I HAVE to go. This semester I just haven't really felt committed to any of them. I'm doing well in the classes I enjoy is the worse part - I should have some incentive to go, but I do. The one class I absolutely abhor, I'm not doing so hot in, but I don't really care either.

Anyway, long story short, I am trying to fit the Cafe Guy into my schedule, since he emailed me to re-schedule coffee. Yes, I am back to being elated. The Dem also sent me a facebook message, so we'll see where that goes.

A lot of things to look forward to coming up!

my saviors.

I went to dinner with the Hippie. We just ate in the dining hall. I looked into his eyes and forgot how in love with him I am.




By the time I got back to my room, every thing else that happened today seemed pretty trivial. He put me in a good mood. A very good mood indeed.

Oh, and Chuck called. He helped too. He talked me through every thing and made me realize that nothing is too big of a deal. One day. Things are still looking up. I told him I was a virgin for the first time too. He was caught a little off-guard and didn't really hide his surprise when "really?" popped out of his mouth. He also called me "aggressive." He said that I was an aggressive kisser and aggressive in life, but that it wasn't a bad thing, it was good. It was just my way of approaching things - constantly trying to work things out and taking the lead before things can go wrong. He said that it was a good thing, and I'll believe him.

The Hippie and I are going to hang out again next week. I am pleased. I can never tell if it's a purely platonic vibe with him or not. It's very strange. The intensity of his blue eyes, and the way he listens to every word you say. Sigh. He's basically every girl's dream.

Life is good.

twelve minutes.

Today's Tuesday transpired as traumatically as the last. You've got to love that alliteration.

Just when it feels like every thing is looking up, it all comes crashing down.

Maybe its because I only got forty minutes of sleep last night. Maybe its because I got an email from a teaching assistant saying that my grade is in jeopardy on account of two missing homeworks. Maybe its because its so cold.

The last twenty-four hours have brought me tumbling back down to reality.

I am not the girl who gets the guy. I am not the girl who goes on dates. I am not the girl who has healthy long-term relationships.

I am the girl who manages to sabotage every potential relationship she's ever had. I am the girl who always tries to look cute because on the inside I 'm just mess.

I am the girl who misses him by twelve minutes.

I missed my five o'clock coffee date by twelve minutes. I was at the banking fixing a problem I was having with my accounts, and I ran out as soon as I was finished. My friend told me that he had left a few minutes before. She didn't call to say he was waiting, she didn't call and say that he was leaving, she didn't try to stop him. She just waited five minutes and then called me to tell me he had left. I had been so excited. So fucking excited.

I didn't see Nik this morning at breakfast like Austin said I would. I'm not going to ask him to the formal. I don't need to add "REJECTION" to the list of things that have gone wrong today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.

I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten there in time.

should I, or shouldn't I?

So Nik is definitely not going with the Ex to the formal. Austin sent me a text message saying that I should ask him because he'll definitely say yes.

Hmm. I guess I should decide whether or not to ask him pretty soon. I don't want to ask him until I know what prompted Austin to suddenly suggest moving things forward. I mean granted we could go as "just friends," but an actual date event seems pretty... "date-y."


If any one thinks that I should ask him, or should not ask him, please leave me a comment or send me an email.
I don't really like making my own decisions, I would much rather leave it up to an objective audience. A little guidence would be great.

wow. just wow.

Okay, so I started today still basking in the afterglow of my Saturday night. Who knew things could possibly get better? Yes, oh, yes they did.


First things first, guess who has a coffee date with a sexy cafe-frequenting-twenty-eight year old Chilean? This girl. That's right, my Cafe Guy came into day, after a three week hiatus, and this time he actually made plans to have coffee with me tomorrow!! I was in shock when he left and I literally could not speak for about three minutes, when I was able to finally start uttering the words "oh my God," over and over. It was honestly such a surprise to see him that I would have been happy enough had he just come in and made some flirtatious small talk. I was considering sending him a facebook message last week, but kept forgetting and putting it off. Lo and behold, he came in today and actually asked me to go to coffee with him. I think it's funny that he asked a girl in a coffee shop to coffee, but whatever, conveneince trumps orginality. Ah!!! Okay, I am so excited about this I can't even think about it.

Then to make my day even better, I finally got the indepth scoop on Nik from Austin. So Austin confirmed that Nik is into me, and to quote: "really, really, likes hanging out" with me, but Austin also said that he moves REALLY slowly. Apparently it took him SEVEN MONTHS to hook up with the Ex. The bad news is, Austin also thinks that there is still something going on between him and the Ex. Austin said that they both claim absolutely nothing is happening, but the amount of time they spend hanging out and the fact that they're planning a trip to Iceland together over an upcoming break is pretty suspect. I'm actually okay with just knowing that. I feel good enough knowing that it wasn't entirely in my head, and it's not a one-sided crush situation. I didn't ask Austin about the formal, but now I am assuming that Nik is definitely going with the Ex. Austin said that he would set up some mutual hanging out, because its just not in Nik's character to initate things. Oh, and I can't remember if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but Nik also has mono, which would make any sort of hanging out (let alone hooking up) tough even if he were more forward. Austin was actually really surprised to find out that Nik had even admitted having a crush on me that night, which he said was really fast and forward for Nik to move with anything. I'm sure the bigger roadblock is the Ex, especially since that's where he got the mono, but once again I don't really mind if he's still working things out with her now that I know it's not stopping him from trying to start things with me.

In other words, I am very content with the way things have turned around after three or four weeks of feeling kind of blah about my boy situation. After this weekend I am physically satisfied - even if I am short one pair of shoes (Italia took them back to his dorm... long story, it's not nearly as weird as it sounds. Okay, maybe it is), and more importantly, I am happy about guys that I can actually see something happening with. I don't know how things with Nik will turn out, or even if I have the patience to wait and see where it goes, but Austin assured me that I shouldn't put things with other people on hold. I like the idea of letting things develop slowly with Nik and continuing with other persuits; in a certain way, it feels like I get to have my cake and eat it too. Just knowing that he's interested is enough, I don't have to agonize over whether or not I just imagined everything.

Anyway, I should probably start that paper due tomorrow, but to be completely honest, I am probably going to giggle and facebook stalk Cafe Guy and Nik until my little heart's content.

don't think too hard.

Sometimes when you think about things too hard you start to have questions that you don't want to answer. Right now I am wondering why exactly I am so freaked out about the thought of anything happening with EE, and what would happen if he found out that something had happened with another guy(s) when I ran off on Saturday night. I mean, he really is terrible - he teases me constantly, he's insensitive, self-centered, and a man-whore. But for some reason I don't dislike any of that about him, I actually like him more for it. He never tries to impress me, he's always honest with him, he calls me out on my bullshit, he's funny, he's smart, he's sincere, and most importantly, he makes me feel good about myself without trying.

I have known EE since my first semester, we took a seminar together and then he decided to take another class with me. We started out as kind of class friends, asking about assignments and things like that. Then we started joking around (well, he started joking around) about having sex and blah, blah, blah. Somehow we wound up becoming really good friends, and he's one of the few people that I talk to on a regular basis. I don't always give him the details, in fact, I never give him the details of and hook ups with guys, but he knows about every thing that goes on in my life outside of that. He always listens too, which is my favorite thing about him. He knows when I'm fishing for compliments, and he's quick to point it out, and I love that about him. He sees past my petty vanity and I don't want that to end. I really feel like hooking up with him could potentially ruin all of that, because I feel like he would see me differently. Right now he's into the idea of me, but it's much better that hooking up stays an idea than actually happens.

On Saturday night he was definitely the person I wanted to leave with the most. I just couldn't.

When he kissed me it was so perfect, even if there were other people in the room. We were cornered on the stairs just talking, and suddenly he kissed me, really quickly and softly, pulled away and looked me in the eye and said (in his crazy accent of course), "okay?" and it wasn't until I nodded yes, that he kissed me again. It was a good kiss too. Very good. Soft, but commanding. Just a enough tongue, not sloppy or covered in drool.

I guess my way of not screwnig things up with him, is just finding other people to screw around with.

And for the record, he went home alone.

it takes two

Okay, so Saturday night was fun. A lot of fun. I did a little jumping around and managed to hook up with Italia and the Grizzly on the same night. The Grizzly pretty kind of understood what was going on, when I left his room to "check up on my roommate" and then came back and had to leave again. Italia was really drunk, and by the time he left really pissed. I should have just picked one or the other, but sometimes a girl wants to have her cake and eat it too.

The Grizzly was absolutely fantastic, and Italia was a good kisser, but I wasn't really into anything else he was doing. The high light of my night was the Grizzly going down. Honestly, he was way better than average and when it's been awhile, even average can seem amazing. Needless to say, there was a toe-curling orgasm, which would have been perfect if my foot hadn't literally cramped up. Has that happened to anyone else? You feel great, you're in the throes of an orgasm, and all of a sudden your foot is cramped? It's kind of funny in retrospect actually.

Because I was so pleased with his performance, I gave in and decided to go down on him. It was only fair. I gave up on my hand job because A.) My wrist started to feel like I had carpal tunnel syndrome and B.) He said no one had ever gotten him off by hand except for himself. I (ready for the world's worst pun?) sucked it up (I told you.) and went down, which he during and after said that it was the best he had ever gotten. Despite that praise, I still have not mastered the art of the hand job.

it's all about last night's party.

It is definitely 8:24 in the morning. I am definitely just getting back to my room.

So last night I had these huge plans to go to three different parties. Lucky for me, I only had to go to the first party to call it a night.

For the quick overview, here is a list of my night:
Eastern European (Kiss)
Dem (Kiss... by the way he's not new to me, but he's just resurfacing since last year, now)
Italia (Make out)
The Grizzly (an Orgasm I'm still recovering from)

I guess all of that pent-up frustration just unleashed itself to the world. Last night there were so many options, I couldn't help myself from having a little taste of every thing. I left my room sober and ready to find someone to take out all of my frustration with Nik on. I put on a little black dress (and when I say little, think "Lindsay Lohan"), the hottest underwear I have, and just enough eyeliner to show that I meant business.

I headed straight to my favorite gentlemen's club, and was a little disappointed when I saw SO many girls. Never deterred, I first ran into Dem, short for "the Demoract," who is a guy that I had a serious crush on last year. He is absolutely adorable, incredibly sweet and understanding, and absolutely hilarious. I am pretty enamoured with him, and mildly disappointed he isn't the one I went home with, but that was only because of a misunderstanding. Not to mention, he's a virgin (and not because he's Catholic), and despite the fact that I am one too, I perfer guys with a little more experience - it usually makes for a munch better night all around. Anyway, I had a few drinks and got a little bold and we kissed for the first time - FINALLY - and sadly it wasn't the fireworks I had hoped for all through freshman year. A little sloppy, which might have been because he was drunk, and just too much tongue. Way too much tongue. Anyway, I was I was going to leave with him, but I didn't want Italia or EE to see me leaving with him (since they're both active persuits), so I told him to meet me somewhere in five minutes, I was just going to grab my coat.

It took me a little longer than five minutes. It was closer to twenty-five minutes, but hey, that doesn't mean I wasn't going to show up! I did, and I was disappointed, but not surprised he wasn't there. I had to fight through a crowd of people for my coat and I ran into a bunch of people that I know, so it wasn't my fault I couldn't get there in time. Okay, maybe I could have tried a little harder, and if there hadn't been so much tongue, I definitely would have tried a little harder.

I headed back inside and saw EE, and after a year of mutual flirtation, he kissed me. It was actually really really good. Like really, really, really good. It was at that second that I realized I should not leave with him. EE and I are really good friends and I like him too much, and in way too many ways to let anything happen. Not to mention, I would have been really upset if hooking up did ruin our friendship - which it would - and even more upset if he didn't like me as much as I like him. I freaked out and told him I had to go.

On my way out I pretty much had to choose whether I was going to go to another party, go back with the Grizzly, who had extended a pretty explicit invitation while we were dancing together, or Italia who I had seen a bunch of times and said he'd be ready to go when I was. Unfortunately, Italia was working the bar when I was on my way out. That made my decision for me, and I grabbed the Grizzly and ran.

Just because I left with the Grizzly, doesn't mean I didn't see Italia later.

When we got back to his room, I layed down the "no sex" rule, which he didn't care about. The kissing, good. The Feeling, good. The fingering, great. The oral, fantastic. I don't know if that's just how boys in the south do it, or what, but he didn't stop until I was finished, and with his hands he actually knew what he was looking for and what he was doing. Just thinking about it is kind of making me tingly.

There is a whole lot more to this story, and a whole lot more about my attempt at the perfect hand job (which I'm now thinking is impossible), but right now I'm about to pass out. Just to whet your appetite, there was a fire alarm, Italia, my shoes getting lost, and some of the best insights about hand jobs I've ever had.

Thank God for Saturday nights. I just wish they didn't always turn into Sunday mornings.

Oh, and did I mention that the oral was just fantastic? Good. Just making sure.

why do you torment me?

Tomorrow is the LSAT, which means there are no parties allowed on campus tonight. Roughly translated, there are no big parties that will offer aa chance run in with Nik in mutual states of intoxication.


Ah! Maybe I'll find someone else to keep me busy.

determined

Okay, this weekend if I don't pounce on Nik, I am officially giving up.


Maybe.